Ask Gracie

Ask Gracie

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Spotted Dog Killer

Dear Gracie,
I was dressed as a cat for Halloween this year.  A cat!  For crying out loud, I'm a Big, Bad Boxer dog and I was dressed as a cat!  If I dig a hole in the back yard and bury the perpetrators would that be politically correct?

Billy The Boxer

Dear Billy,

Do they give you bones?  Do they feed you?  How about water?  Burying the peeps in charge ain't the same as burying a bone, buddy.  You can dig up the bone later and gnaw away on it some more.  But if ya bury the peeps...  they won't be much use to ya.  Ever again.  
Suck it up, buttercup.  They could have made  you into a spotted dog.  And made your peep a spotted dog killer.  
Your furrrend, Gracie


Sunday, March 22, 2015

Winter Boots

Dear Gracie,

I libs in a place where it snows lots dis time ob year.  Da cold snow on my pawseees coz me dissstress but I twy to tell da owner/mistress/human-in-charge "No boots, me do not like boots" but she put dem boots on me anyways n I wun in circulars twying to get away from da boots but they be followin me where evers I go.  Gracie why do da human in charge torture me dis way?  Shall I gnarl and show my teef next times arounds?  Shall I show her hoos boss in dis house?  Or do I need to lib in da disgwace and humility of wed bootsies on my footsies?  

Tortured

Dear Tortured,

Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Poor you.  I believe a pity party may be in order.  Let's all count to three.  One.  Two.  Three.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Live in my boots paws just one day and you would be thankful for your own pampered life.  I get very few walks in the winter.  And when I do...  a foot bath follows...   You heard that right.  A foot bath!  Listen, if you don't want to wear the boots just hide under the bed.  If she refuses to take you for a walk without the boots, then I'd bite the bullet (not the human) and let her put them on you.  One thing us dogs all agree on and that is that there is nothing more important than a walk and nothing, absolutely nothing at all can change our minds.  Not a set of booties or even a lously, smelly foot bath.  Chin up there kiddo.  But no biting.  

Gracie


My mom, trying to lure me into the bathroom with her.
Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Catty Cat

Dear Gracie:

The cat hissez at me all the time.  I am nice to her but she still hissez at me.  Yesterday she was hiding behind the couch and when I walked by she stuck out her paw and tried to claw my face off.  I am nothing but nice to her and she is nothing but mean to me.  How can I make her like me?

Your friend,
Casper

Dear Casper,

Are you a dog or a mouse?  Stand up to that catty attitude.  Pass a little gasssssss  whenever you walk by where she is or better yet,  right about the time when you need your anal glands taken care of, blanket her with lots and lots of love i.e. close quarters and rubbing up against the mischievous little troublemaker.  Mom and Dad will think it's cute.  But she will detest you for it.  Oh.  Wait a minute.  Your question was how can you make her like you?  That, my friend, I do not know.  I'd suggest getting even instead. 

Good luck,

Gracie

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Rescues Taking Over

Dear Gracie,

My house is filled with rescues.  There is a rescue cat, three rescue dogs, and even a rescue bird named Ivan.  With all these rescues living in my house and taking privy to my spaces I am wondering who in this world will rescue me!  I am a cat, BTW.  And this is and has always been my house.  I can find no place at all to be alone anymore.   Any suggestions?

Disgusted Feline

Dear Disgusted Feline,

Seriously!!?  I have been begging the peeps (for what seems like forever) to bring me home a rescue or two.  But it's a no go.  Do you have any idea how lucky you are!?  Listen dude (or dudette) you should thank your lucky catnip that you don't live the boring, sad, lonely, sleepy life of an only fur-friend.  I'm not trying to drum up pity but hey, go ahead and feel sorry for me if it floats your boat. ...  but the thing is, my pack consists of three (two of which consider themselves to be peeeples and don't even acknowledge that they are by default a part of my pack).  So put on your party hat and break out the Friskies tuna delite, my friend.  Drop the attitude and enjoy the company.  **shakes head**

Your friend,

Gracie

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Ruby Needs Advice!

Dear Gracie,

How do I get my assistant to let me blog more often? She claims to be too busy ...but I don't believe her.

Ruby (and Angel Pip)


Dear Ruby,

 You gotta create havoc that is blog-worthy in order for her to allow you to blog.  You have four tough boots to fill (from Angel Pip) but from the gleam in your eyes Ms Ruby...  I think you can do it!  Pip came to my house one time with one of his delinquent friends and stole my mom and dads big wooden ear out of our yard!!  When's the last time you stole a huge body part that grew from the ground?  Or hung from chandeliers like Pip and his delinquent friend used to do?  Now go, young girl...  and make Angel Pip proud!  I will be looking for your many posts!!

Your friend,
Gracie 


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Do Cats have Superiority Complex?

Dear Gracie,

I just got my ears "boxed" by my Auntie Kim's cat "Mr. Tom" ... who does he think he is anyway?  Gracie, do cats have superiority complex or what??

Lily The Pointer

Dear Lily, 

Have you ever seen a cat kitteh give up their place on the couch to a dog?  Do cats kitteh's welcome their people by jumping on them, licking their faces, and crying because of missing them so much when they return home?  Or do they instead hiss at the dog whenever he/she even looks like he/she might want to curl up on the very end of the same couch said cat kitteh is sitting on? Kitteh's tend to give their humans a glare upon their return home as if to say, "back so soon?" then they slink into a hole somewhere to be left alone.  So, dear Lily, to answer your question, I'm afraid Mr. Tom thinks he is Alpha cat and kitteh's having a superiority complex is putting it lightly.  It sounds to me like Mr. Tom needs to be taught a lesson.  A clean cat is a happy cat.  Try the delicates cycle first.  If that doesn't work, go for the heavy duty.
Good Luck to you, and whatever you do, never reprimand the cat in front of humans.  Never.

Kindest Regards,

Gracie 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Kitteh's Belong In Their Place

Dear Gracie,

I have heards from udders dat da cats rule and doggie's drool.  Any trufe to dat?  My bro Siamese Sammy tinks it be true.  I tink it garbage.  What be your take on dis o wise one?  - perturbed poodle

Dear perturbed,

My dear friend, you have been misinformed, no doubt.  Kitteh's are nice and I'll admit that I wouldn't mind having one of my own BUT they have their place.  They belong in litter boxes/on counter tops/under chairs/outside/in cardboard boxes with a hole cut into the side so they can breath/in washing machines.
They in no way belong on the humans bed, in their laps, or at the dinner table anywhere near steak/hamburger/ or chickie bird.  In short, my dear perturbed friend... DOGS RULE, KITTEH'S DROOL.  Did this help? 

Kindest Regards,

Gracie.